Sleepless in Scotland
by ChatterChick
Summary: After the events in the Chamber of Secrets, Ginny was perfectly happy again. Or at least, that's what she wanted everyone to believe.


**Sleepless in Scotland**

by ChatterChick

Summary: After the events in the Chamber of Secrets, Ginny was perfectly happy again. Or at least, that's what she wanted everyone to believe. Warnings inside.

A/N: _**Warning this story deals with the topic of depression and contains some suicidal thoughts, may be triggering.**_ This has been written for the Psychological!AU Competition by Screaming Faeries on HPFC.

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 _One hundred and thirty-three kneazles, one hundred and thirty-four kneazles, one hundred and - oh this is bollocks._

Ginny stared up at the red canopy of her four-poster bed in the fourth year Gryffindor girls' dormitory. She didn't even want to check her watch, the hour and how much sleep she was losing would only drive her even more crazy. She had a Potions test the next afternoon and she really needed to be focused for it. Her last test had been awful, and the heat and the fumes made Ginny feel foggy as well as exhausted. She kept forgetting ingredients or how many times she was supposed to stir something. Her eyelids drooped and all she wanted to do was leave to take a nap. She couldn't let that happen again, not when she needed to do well if she was going to pass the course this year. So Ginny had gone to bed just before midnight, hoping to get a good night's sleep.

The last time she checked it was quarter past two.

She had no idea what time it was now, but she probably only had three or four hours before she was expected to get up for breakfast and the morning classes. She closed her eyes, trying to empty her mind and focus on nothing. She clenched and unclenched each muscle, working her way from her toes, up her legs, her butt, her stomach, her shoulders, down her arms and into her fists. It was a relaxing technique Luna had told her about, when Ginny confessed she couldn't sleep at night.

Her mind kept circling back to that stupid Potions test though.

 _I'm just going to fail it anyway_ , a voice within her whispered, _I've never been good at Potions._

 _Shut up_ , she told herself. _I need to go to sleep._ Although she was doubtful. She tried to study the past few days, but found it hard to focus. She was expected to memorize a number of potions and then make the chosen potion without instructions. She had had a similar test before the holidays and failed it. She worried that once she was in the Potions classroom, trying to remember if it was one scoop or two, clockwise or counter-clockwise, that her mind would just blank as it had in the past. She could recall studying for it, she could recall looking at that particular potion or step and trying to memorize it. But when the time came, she just couldn't recall the words.

 _What did Snape say last time? A memory like a sieve._

For a long time, she wondered if the negative little voice she was hearing was some remnant of Tom's. It hung in the back of her mind, forming the words to all her deepest fears, all her worries, all her self-doubts. She wondered if she had ever truly gotten rid of him. She wondered if she was going crazy. Yet the voice that whispered cruel things and taunted her in her mind didn't sound like Tom at all.

It sounded like _her_.

 _I need to stop thinking, I need to turn my mind off and go to sleep now._

Of course, the more she tried not to think, the more the running commentary continued.

Wearily, Ginny checked her watch for the time, her eyes nearly popping out and suddenly she was hideously alert. It was five minutes past three. She forced herself to sink into the pillows once more, trying to stop the panic creeping in. Less than four hours until she needed to get up.

 _It's going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I studied all week for it this time._

 _Let's be honest, Ginny, you pretended to study all week. You got in maybe five minutes a day? Do you really think that's enough?_

 _I can't fail, Professor Snape said if I didn't pass this I'd be at risk of failing the class and I can't repeat a year._

Tears started bubbling in her eyes. A failed course was one thing, but Ginny was doing poorly in just about everything. Her parents had to have a serious chat with her at the end of her third year when she just passed the year.

She knew the truth of the matter; her parents couldn't afford for her to fuck up and have to repeat a year at Hogwarts. The tuition at Hogwarts was funded through taxes, but parents were expected to pay fees for room and board. Her fees were being covered by a bursary that helped financially struggling families, but it was conditional on the fact that she maintained certain grades. The moment she lost her bursary, they'd have to withdraw her and Mum would have to tutor her at home.

 _Oh Merlin I'm going to fail and I won't pass the year and they'll kick me out of Hogwarts! What are Mum and Dad going to say?!_

Her mother had been furious over the summer, asking why she didn't put more effort in her school work, asking if she needed them to get one of the boys to tutor her. Dad had just looked disappointed, telling her that she needed to improve her grades. She couldn't face the shame in bringing home another less than stellar end-of-term report.

 _Get a grip, Ginny. So you fail Potions, you can still do well in everything else, right?_

 _I don't know!_

Her thoughts were getting more frantic as she worried, all the thoughts that she tried to lock away were coming to the surface.

She knew she'd never amount to anything if she didn't get enough OWLs and on some days that terrified her. Most days she tried not to think about the vague, far-off future though. Tonight however, that old fear came creeping back.

 _I's not like I need to take Potions after fifth year. Fred and George didn't._

 _Yes, but Fred and George know what they're doing after school. I guess if I don't become anything they can hire me, their poor, stupid little sister._ _Mum would probably have to make them, she's always making them look out for me when they don't want to._

She supposed they all felt guilty after the whole Chamber of Secrets incident in her first year. No one had paid her any attention, and now they all tried to suffocate her with it. It was like they were trying to make up for it, trying to make sure that Ginny didn't get herself into any more trouble. She could still remember her mother screaming at her brothers, telling them they were supposed to take care of her.

It wasn't really their fault she had been stupid enough to pour her heart and soul into that diary. They didn't need a babysitter when they went to Hogwarts, why should she? Sometimes, she blamed them though. How did they not notice something was wrong? Didn't they care? Did it take almost dying for anyone to notice her?

Yet for all their suffocating attention, they still didn't really notice her these days. She sometimes wondered what it would take for them to see that she still was suffering in silence. They all took for granted that she _looked_ fine and _acted_ fine. She didn't know how to say it, didn't know how to tell someone that something was wrong with her.

 _Some Gryffindor you are._

Some part of her had been broken that year and had never been fixed. In her darkest moments, Ginny wondered why Harry and Ron couldn't just let her die down there. It had to be easier than living with everything that came after. It was a horrible thought, and she was ashamed to think it. She had seen how upset her family had been after she had been rescued, and she couldn't imagine what her death would have done to them.

Ginny buried her face into her pillow, trying to muffle the sounds of her sobbing. She was never sure if her dormmates heard all the times she cried herself to sleep. If they did, they never mentioned it to her.

Looking at her watch one more time, she realized it was quarter to four now. She reset the alarm with her wand to a later time.

Tomorrow was Tuesday and that meant she had Care of Magical Creatures in the morning with Hagrid. She could blow it off and have a lie-in. Maybe she'd be a little more rested for Potions.

This was a habit that had been getting worse and worse all year. There were some days she stayed in her bed, almost to noon. She'd tell herself she was only skipping the first class, and when it proved too difficult to get up at nine she'd go back to sleep and skip the second. Before she knew it, it was noon and she missed all her morning classes and breakfast and lunch.

Her dormmates would scoff at her, thinking she was lazy. Most of the professors handed her detentions, thinking that she was trouble just like her twin brothers.

She'd rather them think her a rebel than know the truth anyway.

So she laughed it off, playing up the rebel Weasley girl image she had somehow achieved. She'd joke when she was handed another detention for skipping class or shrug whenever she was handed a low grade. It was hard to do well when you didn't show up half the time, and even harder when you didn't have the energy to care about your homework.

Ginny hugged one of the pillows to herself, closing her eyes and counting.

 _One kneazle, two kneazles, three kneazles -_

She didn't want to kill herself. But she wouldn't mind if she fell asleep and never woke up.


End file.
